


I Told Him Water Me

by ix_tab



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, M/M, vague reference to suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 06:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ix_tab/pseuds/ix_tab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Haru dreams of the cool and the quiet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Told Him Water Me

**Author's Note:**

> A drabble, based on my headcanon of Haruka struggling with depression.

Haruka wakes up in the morning and thinks, _today would be a nice day to dissolve into the water_.

This is the fourth time in four days he’s woken up with the idea swirling around in his head.

It's probably not about death, he’s pretty sure he doesn't want to die.

It’s just, god.

What if he was silent and still forever, not having to think or feel, just drifting alone in silence. Maybe rain would bead on his surface, and he wouldn’t blink or move. People's voices would be so quiet, so far away. He'd crash against the rocks, and the only sensation he'd know would be the foam of the dancing waves.

There's nothing complex or hard or hurtful in life, if you are the ocean. Nothing touches the ocean, it's cold and implacable. Haruka tastes bitter envy on the back of his tongue,  when he thinks about that.

How lucky, to be the ocean. How wonderful it must be, to be a force so strong and unfathomable, that the world just accepts it for what it is. 

 

It turns out that, voicing even a small bit of that thought to Makoto causes his friend to turn pale, and then walk off ahead of him faster.

Surprised, Haruka summons the energy to catch up and reaches out a hand to Makoto’s shoulder. Makoto pulls away, but not fast enough to hide the tears on his face.

 _Oh_ , thinks Haruka, numbly. _I’ve made Mako cry_.

He’s not sure what to say to make it better or to make it stop.

A familiar sinking in his stomach hits him. He’s done it again, but this time he doesn’t even know what action of his has hurt his friend. He can't understand why Makoto would be upset about the idea of him simply sinking away. It wouldn't be drowning, it'd would be more like, reclamation. He tries to say that, but something in him halts the words. 

He knows Makoto loves him, in every way it is possible to love a person. He doesn't get it, doesn't see why, but that hasn't stopped him loving Makoto back. Maybe this is part of love, maybe love means that the other person can hear things in your words that you yourself don't quite comprehend.

Makoto turns back, and looks at Haruka solemnly.

"Haru-chan, I’d like you to come over to my house tonight, to stay over," Makoto says, his voice still a little wobbly, and Haruka finds himself agreeing, and not even beginning to care that there’s a -chan at the end of his name again.


End file.
